After so long...

I have not been writing for quite a while. I have thoughts flowing through my head but nowadays I somehow cannot let them out with words. So the thoughts just remained inside my head and constantly flowing to my heart, just like stream of blood, constantly going in and out of the heart. The thoughts, sometimes, when they are out, I am fine, other time when they are in and when they reached my heart, it stings and bites.

Would like to spend some time writing about a friend, who left my life in 2011. It has been 2 years, yet I am still struggling to get over it completely. How long does one take to reconcile a relationship? Months, years, or a lifetime? Although physical departure is depressing, perhaps emotional departure is the one that kills.

I missed my friend, and the time we spent together serving God, working out and traveling to see the world. I once thought we can spar with each other ideas and dreams and thoughts and keep each other moving in God's plans and ways. Yet, the separation came before any of these long term ambition can be fulfilled.

I once chanced upon this article, " Death is not the ultimate loss, rather it's the separation from loved ones that is so difficult. Knowing about someone's continued existence but being unable to share it with them may cause far more pain and make resolution far more difficult than permanent separation through death. With those who have died, however, we find new ways to share their existence as they live on in our hearts and memories."

Death takes away a life, but not a relationship. But separation does.

you give and take away....

Suddenly this song just touched my heart. Have been listening to this song a lot but it is today, the song just went straight into my heart.

"....you give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name"

I questioned God, why He give someone to you and He will take he/she away from you, then leaving a big gap inside you. Its His intention to do that? So that in all circumstances we will still praise Him?

Sometimes I will just wish that He had never give me anyone..because relationships are so difficult to handle and the aftermath can haunt you for a long time. A moment of happiness will sometimes leave with you a lifetime of pain.

Realisation

"Happiness is only real when shared" – by Chris McCandless

and this is also the reason why i decided to go on blogging (though sometimes i really don't like it as i am a real total computer idiot. i will take a long time trying to upload or download whatever stuffs...)

Time flies when you are really began to enjoy the time…I realized that this season of ‘time-out’ program for me while staying at home with my injury made me realized and see many things:

1) Preoccupied with my injury can only makes me more miserable. My first 3 days of surgery really sent me down to frustrations. I cannot even reach out to do a simple task. Wearing my shorts takes a lot of effort. Going up and down the stairs sent me perspiring like a pig. There were times I almost lost it. I guess my body starts to dictate how my life should be, and that is, my life is revolving around my injury. If I choose to get frustrated with myself, in the end, I will only spiral downwards.

2) I can hear myself more. And I talk to myself as well. It’s kinda therapeutic to talk to oneself. I remembered the last time I did that was when I was alone I China. I enjoy talking to myself. So sometimes by listening to yourself more, you will be able to listen more. We need to feed our own soul.

3) Slow pedagogy. I enjoy the matter of fact that I have nothing to rush for every day. Even when I walk, I also walk very slowly (erm , this is partly because I have to! hehe...due to my injury). Everything pass by slower, thus I am able to see more.

4) The loss of mobility is always seen as the loss of freedom, yet I have discovered freedom within myself. Freedom to do things at my own pace, freedom of I can walk as slow as I want, eat as slow as I want and freedom to choose what voices I want to listen to. However, it took me quite some time to realise this.

5) I see my dad everyday at home. He already retired and he slept early. therefore, during my working time, I seldom get to see him as he sleeps before I am even home. Being alone in the house during day can be quite boring for him. However, I can sense that he has this peace and enjoyment of just cooking lunch for himself, washing clothes, doing his gardening, and listening to FM 95.8. I get to see my dad in another manner, my dad is getting older each day.

6) Home cooked food is always so delicious and enjoyable. Of course they are healthy! and parents will usually cook to your likes and dislikes. My mum who is working now, will try her best to cook nutritious food for me so that my leg can recover better. I felt the love of family and again, confirm that family life is important. Family love is the strongest of all. When they are old, I will do the same, I will take care of them.

7) I have parents who love me. I always knew that, but this episode of injury confirms that. And when you injured yourself, you only get the physical pain, yet the emotional pain is taken up by your loved ones.

8) I need others, just as much as other people need me. I am always seen as “I AM STRONG..ARGHHH” kind-of-character. People refused help because they feel their self-esteem depends on them being ‘independent’. I guess they fear that they have been diminished or weaken when they seek help from others. I need my friends, my family more than they need me. I realised that this injury humbled me. I need to be broken down before God can mould me to the way He desires.

9) The feeling of being served is so great! People around you really treat you like princess and I experienced the feeling of being a princess. Just need to use my mouth to command, use my hands to gesture, and I am able to get all things done! by others, that is.....

10) God is always there, so near to me. Yet I am so occupied to even talk to Him. His Grace is so strongly felt during this period of time. Work is not everything, yet its always work which tears us, occupied us and frustrate us.

11) I am much loved. By so many friends. I was visited by many friends, almost every day. It’s a blessing to have so many friends who care for you, buy lunches/dinners for you, buy flowers, chocolates and fattening food and durians for you….etc…I will never take all these for granted. I suddenly remember this sentence from “Tuesday with Morrie” – . I think I am assured that there will be many who will be there with me during my departure from this world. And I will continue to sow my seeds and be a person worthy to those around me.

12) Everything I lose, I gain back something. I lost my time in work, I lost my time running, swimming, spinning, doing yoga, hanging out with friends in café stirring coffee. I gained myself back, I read more, reflect more, think more, talk to God more, SLEEP more, and having to experience the love from my friends and loved ones deeper. The loss is nothing, compared to the gains.