After so long...

I have not been writing for quite a while. I have thoughts flowing through my head but nowadays I somehow cannot let them out with words. So the thoughts just remained inside my head and constantly flowing to my heart, just like stream of blood, constantly going in and out of the heart. The thoughts, sometimes, when they are out, I am fine, other time when they are in and when they reached my heart, it stings and bites.

Would like to spend some time writing about a friend, who left my life in 2011. It has been 2 years, yet I am still struggling to get over it completely. How long does one take to reconcile a relationship? Months, years, or a lifetime? Although physical departure is depressing, perhaps emotional departure is the one that kills.

I missed my friend, and the time we spent together serving God, working out and traveling to see the world. I once thought we can spar with each other ideas and dreams and thoughts and keep each other moving in God's plans and ways. Yet, the separation came before any of these long term ambition can be fulfilled.

I once chanced upon this article, " Death is not the ultimate loss, rather it's the separation from loved ones that is so difficult. Knowing about someone's continued existence but being unable to share it with them may cause far more pain and make resolution far more difficult than permanent separation through death. With those who have died, however, we find new ways to share their existence as they live on in our hearts and memories."

Death takes away a life, but not a relationship. But separation does.

you give and take away....

Suddenly this song just touched my heart. Have been listening to this song a lot but it is today, the song just went straight into my heart.

"....you give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name"

I questioned God, why He give someone to you and He will take he/she away from you, then leaving a big gap inside you. Its His intention to do that? So that in all circumstances we will still praise Him?

Sometimes I will just wish that He had never give me anyone..because relationships are so difficult to handle and the aftermath can haunt you for a long time. A moment of happiness will sometimes leave with you a lifetime of pain.

Realisation

"Happiness is only real when shared" – by Chris McCandless

and this is also the reason why i decided to go on blogging (though sometimes i really don't like it as i am a real total computer idiot. i will take a long time trying to upload or download whatever stuffs...)

Time flies when you are really began to enjoy the time…I realized that this season of ‘time-out’ program for me while staying at home with my injury made me realized and see many things:

1) Preoccupied with my injury can only makes me more miserable. My first 3 days of surgery really sent me down to frustrations. I cannot even reach out to do a simple task. Wearing my shorts takes a lot of effort. Going up and down the stairs sent me perspiring like a pig. There were times I almost lost it. I guess my body starts to dictate how my life should be, and that is, my life is revolving around my injury. If I choose to get frustrated with myself, in the end, I will only spiral downwards.

2) I can hear myself more. And I talk to myself as well. It’s kinda therapeutic to talk to oneself. I remembered the last time I did that was when I was alone I China. I enjoy talking to myself. So sometimes by listening to yourself more, you will be able to listen more. We need to feed our own soul.

3) Slow pedagogy. I enjoy the matter of fact that I have nothing to rush for every day. Even when I walk, I also walk very slowly (erm , this is partly because I have to! hehe...due to my injury). Everything pass by slower, thus I am able to see more.

4) The loss of mobility is always seen as the loss of freedom, yet I have discovered freedom within myself. Freedom to do things at my own pace, freedom of I can walk as slow as I want, eat as slow as I want and freedom to choose what voices I want to listen to. However, it took me quite some time to realise this.

5) I see my dad everyday at home. He already retired and he slept early. therefore, during my working time, I seldom get to see him as he sleeps before I am even home. Being alone in the house during day can be quite boring for him. However, I can sense that he has this peace and enjoyment of just cooking lunch for himself, washing clothes, doing his gardening, and listening to FM 95.8. I get to see my dad in another manner, my dad is getting older each day.

6) Home cooked food is always so delicious and enjoyable. Of course they are healthy! and parents will usually cook to your likes and dislikes. My mum who is working now, will try her best to cook nutritious food for me so that my leg can recover better. I felt the love of family and again, confirm that family life is important. Family love is the strongest of all. When they are old, I will do the same, I will take care of them.

7) I have parents who love me. I always knew that, but this episode of injury confirms that. And when you injured yourself, you only get the physical pain, yet the emotional pain is taken up by your loved ones.

8) I need others, just as much as other people need me. I am always seen as “I AM STRONG..ARGHHH” kind-of-character. People refused help because they feel their self-esteem depends on them being ‘independent’. I guess they fear that they have been diminished or weaken when they seek help from others. I need my friends, my family more than they need me. I realised that this injury humbled me. I need to be broken down before God can mould me to the way He desires.

9) The feeling of being served is so great! People around you really treat you like princess and I experienced the feeling of being a princess. Just need to use my mouth to command, use my hands to gesture, and I am able to get all things done! by others, that is.....

10) God is always there, so near to me. Yet I am so occupied to even talk to Him. His Grace is so strongly felt during this period of time. Work is not everything, yet its always work which tears us, occupied us and frustrate us.

11) I am much loved. By so many friends. I was visited by many friends, almost every day. It’s a blessing to have so many friends who care for you, buy lunches/dinners for you, buy flowers, chocolates and fattening food and durians for you….etc…I will never take all these for granted. I suddenly remember this sentence from “Tuesday with Morrie” – . I think I am assured that there will be many who will be there with me during my departure from this world. And I will continue to sow my seeds and be a person worthy to those around me.

12) Everything I lose, I gain back something. I lost my time in work, I lost my time running, swimming, spinning, doing yoga, hanging out with friends in café stirring coffee. I gained myself back, I read more, reflect more, think more, talk to God more, SLEEP more, and having to experience the love from my friends and loved ones deeper. The loss is nothing, compared to the gains.

My first experience of being operated on cold steel table

this got nothing to do with my China trip nor the land of dragons. hmm, i just want to pen down my first operation experience so that many years later, i can still remember. Apologies if the pig trotter lookalike picture is causing some discomfort... That's my feet, after the op! =) Common, not that bad right?

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I was woken up by this lady voice : “ Hello, are you OK? Its over, the operation is over. Are you OK?” I could hear the voice, but I think my body doesn’t belongs to be. I took a while to register that someone is calling me and I forced my eyes open. Then in blurred vision, I saw a nurse in front of me. Immediately, I began to shiver like crazy. It was freaking COLD! I was really shivering as though I am naked in minus 30 degree Antartica. My teeth clattered so much that I hardly talk. Then I told the nurse I am very cold. The nurse assured me and pass me 2 more blankets and I felt hot air gushing on my body. I looked down and saw a pipe with hot air inserted into the midst of the piled blankets on my body.

Arhh…that feels so comfortable. Being groggy, I decided to sleep again. I asked the nurse what time was it and she said it was almost 4pm. she mentioned to me that the operation took longer than expected as my nerves and blood vessels are encompassed together with the debris and scar tissue and they took a long while trying to trace my nerves and sort out my nerves and blood vessels away from the entire ‘big mess’. In the end, the operation was much complicated than it was expected but it when on successfully. I was half awaken to register what she was telling me. I closed my eyes again.

I couldn’t imagine that the time stood still since the time I walked into the operating theatre alone. Monday morning, I woke up at 8plus although my scheduled operation was at 11am. I decided to go for a shower to the surprise of my many colleagues because I do not have a habit of showering in the morning. But because I knew that I will not shower for the rest of the day, and/or maybe week. So I better get myself clean and shinny, just in case.

I took a bus to Paragon Medical Center, which is different from Paragon Shopping Center, in case you were wondering. And I was stuck in a traffic jam over at PIE. I was actually late for the operation! The day finally arrives. I was supposed to go for this op in January. I don’t know if the excuse of being too busy or I just don’t want to give up my active lifestyle. I just cannot imagine I am going to be bed-ridden for weeks. I think God knows this is my weak point. He knows that I am a person who cannot sit still. And every time when I came to realise that God knows my weakness, I am so scared that one day He will just test me and He will just take away the mobility from me… it is just so scary to know that God knows every part of my weakness and stronghold. And everyday , I just thank God for still keeping me mobile and having a pair of feet that can run and jump. I can never take this for granted, especially after this operation, when walking a few step is like hell.

And so, finally the pain becomes so unbearable, that when I play my weekly basketball game with my team mates, I have to limp. I decided that now is the time to get my leg fixed, for God’s sake. (and that’s what they always say, “For God’s sake, go and get it done!”) and by the way, I have stopped running for a while, so as to prolong the operation. However the week before my operation, I decided to give it all out. I exercise almost everyday, went for spin class, went for yoga, went for my core training class, rock climb every other day. I told my friends, since I am going for operation, might as well just whack. Nothing can be worst than now.

I walked passed all the branded boutiques in Paragon, but I have no mood to even look into the windows. Its just kinda weird that I am walking into a shopping center for my feet operation. And anyway, I was half running, as mentioned, I was late for the scheduled operation.

The day surgery room was an interesting place. There were a lot of rooms and a nurse asked me to sign many many forms, indemnity forms I guess. By the way, I also didn’t bother to read. Then I was brought to the changing room and was given a translucent robe some kind of funny clothes where you have to wear it through the front and tie behind. I was told to get rid of ALL things that is on my body, including bras, watches etc etc..and I was given a paper underwear. I scared I will tear it. Luckily its REALLY free size and its humongous! I have my weight taken, which after a while I understand why, they need to give me the correct dose of sedation and anaesthetic according to mg/kg. Wow, I was thinking to myself, then it value for money in my case, since I am so much heavier, ha, at least for what I paid for, I get more. Erm yah, typical Singaporean!

I think I really looked funny with the shower cap. Luckily there is no one familiar there with me. Although I went there alone, I got many SMS from many friends and loved ones telling me that all will be fine and I will be OK. Its like there are so many friends with me for this journey. I am glad and thank God for all the people He has put in my lives. Thank you all for your concern and being there with me when I was walking through the aisle to the operating theatre alone.

I lay down on the foldable bed and the nurse start to strip off my outer robe, leaving me with that skimpy looking inner blouse (which I have to tie behind my back) then she began to undo the knots…I suddenly became reactive and I told the nurse the operation was on my left ankle. “Don’t worry, its OK” was her answer. Then another person walked in , and by the way all of them are masked and I cannot differentiate who is who. She gave me an injection on my left hand and insert a plug in my veins. The she use a cloth peg lookalike thingy and clipped on my left index finger, then I heard the beeping sound of my heartbeat. Yupe, that was the measure my BP. I felt like I am in some sort of ER or House M.D. movie. The she ask me where I was operating, I told her it was my left ankle.

And I saw my surgeon! Yes, Dr Yung! I finally got to see him. He was also dressed in the cool green surgeon outfit with the same ugly shower cap. The he asked me, where I was operating. I thought he was joking. Then he said just to make sure it’s the correct place. Then he used a ‘Zebra’ marker and draw a mark on my inner left ankle and behind my knee. I felt like a pig waiting to be slaughter and was marked. I prayed and ask God to be there for me. The operating theatre was really cold. I think its around single digit degree Celsius. And I asked the masked nurse why is it so cold. She said this is to reduce the bacteria content in the room and to keep the surgeon awake. I was thinking, won’t the surgeon be shivering while holding the scalpel. That’s scary.

Another masked lady walked in and asked the same question, where I was operating. Now that is becoming scary. I told her the same answer. Then she began to pump in 4 syringes of different kind of liquid into my plug. She told me that I will fell very sleepy in a while. At this moment, I recalled me asking my friends how do you feel when you are on GA (general anaesthetic)? Will you dream? Will you wake up in the middle of the operation? How do you I feel? I felt like I am a chicken shit, asking this kind of questions. Some told me that they will ask you to count form 1-10 and then you will be gone, some told me to say out my NRIC number and before I can finish, I will be knock-out. Some say the nurses will crack some jokes to lighten up the atmosphere. Then I thought their joke is asking me where I am operating, and that is not funny when I was being asked so many times before the operation.

The first 3 tubes are transparent liquid, and the last tube was a milky white liquid, and the anaesthetists injected the complete full tube of that white liquid (which I later found out it was ‘propofol’). I told her, I felt my left hand numb. Then I don’t recalled what happened. It was just a split second, after my finish my last sentence. I do not recall they asked me to count nor recite my NRIC. It was almost immediate and I do not know what happen next until I heard the familiar voice of the nurse : “ Hello, are you OK? Its over, the operation is over. Are you OK?”

my post in year 2009

I missed my China journey. i wish i can go back to those time again. however, life still goes on. i do not have a lot to update regarding travel tales. so as of now, just update when something meaningful or disastrous happened in my life...

i will, again go for such trip if time and opportunity permits. i will grab whatever opportunity for me to see the world again, for me to get in touch with my inner self again. but i must repair myself beforehand. i mean repair myself physically before i can go around on my feet again...

Any day will be special as long as you think it is

5th August 2008

A day like any other ordinary day.

It has been quite sometime since i log in to blog. As mentioned, i am not a blogger, more of a person who enjoys writing journal than electronic stuffs.

last year this time, i am in Tibet, celebrating my 30th birthday..its quite an interesting feeling, celebrating the crossing of the 'bar' in another foreign land.

I could still remember the musical candle with sparkers, shaped like a lotus flower and the gigantic cream cake bought for me by a local Tibetan (see picture above). i reminded myself that i will just try to finish the cake to show my appreication and gratitute and portray myself as a good Singaporean who will not allow any food gone to waste....

and as i was eating the cake and glad that the day was celebrated, i am thinking...why this day is special? as any other ordinary day, it is just the same as like any other days for many billions of people around the world. This could be a day when someone lost his or her beloved partner, or it could be a day when someone in the world is reminded of bad memories.

People are still going to office to work, people are still rushing to and fro during peak working hours...people are still dying everywhere...lives of everyone still goes on...

I reckon that the birthday of everyone, is a day, to celebrate that you are born on this Earth with a divine purpose planned at the very beginning. it is a day to do a self-check (although we should be doing that regularly..haha), a day to ask yourself, have you do what you are suppose to do? have you fulfilled your life purposes, to touch others and to share the joy with others?

it might just be any other ordinary day to many others, but for myself, a day to reflect and check back on what i have been doing for the past 1 year. and as each birthday passes, and as i aged, i began to celebrate that i am still as healthy as previous year and i will not take that for granted.

i am blessed with many friends, who are always there for me..who stay with me through thick and thin. i am thankful to God, who give me this special day to be able to serve Him. Every year on this day, is a day for me to become closer who i gonna be.

Any day will be special, as long as we think it is...

Words from Mother Teresa

There were a few books i brought along with me throughout my trip in China. there are also some books i bought during my journey too. two of my favourite reads: a biography of Mother Teresa and Helen Keller.

The number of books i've read during my trip is more than the books i've read for the past 30 years of my life. but then again, i am a 'forced to read' kind of person. i am not those who will pick up book to read automatically unless i really have nothing to do, which is seldom the case...

I just don't know why i am always busy when i am around with friends and family in Singapore. My friends told me i have too many obligations. i agree. at the end of the day, i will always ask myself, what am i busy with and why am i so busy? I am in search for the answer as well...and at the end of the day, i have to account my time to God. i want to be busy with doing the work for Him.

Just to make use of this moment to share with you what i came across in a book of Mother Teresa:

"In the developed countries there is a poverty of intimacy, a poverty of spirit, of loneliness, of lack of love. And there is no greater sickness in the world today than all these...

There are many kinds of poverty. Even in countries where the economic situations seems to be good one, there are expressions of poverty hidden in a deep place, such as tremendous loneliness of people who have been abandoned and who are suffering."

Children sent from heaven!

My best time spent during this trip, to my stay with these bunch of kids on the vast grassland of Yushu, Qinghai province. There, i really felt like the actress in the classic movie,"Sound of Music", haha, except the figure and the voice though...

I roamed around the plains with them, playing 'catching' and rolling on the wild flowers. We took cardboards and slide down the slopes, getting that adrenaline rush and collasping onto each other. I am glad that I did not roll over them and crush their bones! I sang songs to them, and we piggy-back each other, racing across the fields. we were surrounded by yaks and sheeps, which were indifferent to our actions and noises, and still busily eating away...

i am fed with love and that feeling of freedom. i am enriched in my spirit. and a lot of times, these children teach and give me more than i can provide to them. there are so much to learn from them! the simplicity of being just a human, the simplicity of just living the life to the basics.

epilogue

There is a great difference when you take a picture with a camera or with a heart. All the pictures show me the possibilities what this world has to offer. All we need to do is just to step out of our comfort zone and you will get the full package! I enjoy looking at the amazing beauty that lies within each picture and there are so many lessons that we can learn from nature.

although i have put up so many pieces of my horror stories while traveling in China, this place has indeed touch a nerve which is so close to my heart that memories just kept flooding in even after all these months after I'm back. when my friends asked me about my trip, i just kept rattering on, saying how fruitful it was..etc...but still, i just can't get enough vocabs to really really describe my actual feelings. only then i realised that all these experiences that i have gone through, is so difficult to describe with words...

I miss my friends I have known in China, i miss each tree and grass and every bit of the land, the land of the dragons.

my trip, has taught me many valuable lesons, lessons that can't be bought with just money alone. these lessons has changed the way i view life, and i believe they are going to sick with me for all my life. and now, i began to see china in a different light, and also began to understand why certain people behave in certain ways.

all we need is just that bit of tolerance and understanding, we will see the world in a different manner....

Just a thought...

As days go by, I am just slowly updating my blog. Hope to make it more colourful, by adding in more pictures I took while I was in China.

My friend told me that a blog must include pictures, then its more "readable". I agreed to that, because everytime when I flipped through my National Geographic magazines, I will always salivated at the pictures and sometimes, even too lazy to read through the words. In fact, I can spend only less than an hour to finish the magazine...(just by looking at the colourful pictures).

However, my dear friends, I really really encourage you to read, and hopefully, able to accompany me through this journey of my life. Although pictures speak more than a thousand words, I realised its only when you know the purpose or the hidden meaning behind these pictures, then you can really SEE the pictures, not only with your eyes, but also with your heart.
And... as always, people are attracted to things that are pleasing to the eyes, I am one of them. This long China trip made me realised that I will need more to see the depth of all these beauty. I am learning...

Every photo here tells a story. What you see here, are what I saw back there in China. I hope my pictures can let you see the depth of China, taken with my own pairs of urban and untrained eyes, and I pray that God will plant something deep in your heart.

A scene in the urban streets of Kunming,Yunnan.

Goes out to all my friends

My beloved friends,

I just came back from china trip. here are the summaries of my observations....

1. Your senses are sharpened after a few days trip. eg the toilet smell, the sight of shit piled sky high, fossilized and filled with flies all around is enough to put you off a few meals. hmm, good slimming program isn't it? why do people still pay up to thousand bucks for slimming program? suggestion, lock them up in the china toilets for a couple of days, super models-like figures will flood the streets.

2. Medical halls that tell you bear's biles and palms, dogs' penises, snakes' blood and guts, bee's honey, or other animal parts can do wonders for the entire body. was sicken with the fact that these people are lying with eyes open and hearts without conscience. if they are so good, then why do we need so many doctors, hospitals and other medical facilities in China?

3. You need to use alot of imagation in china during visits to the attractions. seeing the famous Li Jiang in Guilin and Zhang Jia Jie in Hunan ie. stone forest, flower gardens, lime stones formations. the tour guide will just describe all these formations as resembling ballet dancers, elephants squatting, or even beautiful tribal ladies scattering the flower petals. it really required a bit of input on your eyes and brains to say.."ahhhh indeed it does look like that", and just wonder at the back of your head...."Am i severely myopic or seriously lacks creativity or what???"

4. Lastly.... even if the price of jade, tibetian beads and costly medicine in china doesn't kill you... The oil, salt and MSG in their food will get to your internal organs, causing your life to shorten, or if not, the amount of frustrations dealing with the saleswomen/train ticket sellers will raise your blood pressure to its peak level.

Finally back home, time to rest...but at the same time, i miss that place.its just that love-hate relationship, which really triggered me, even until now.

Sharing of love will be the most important priority in my life

I came upon this reading that everyone needs love. Love from friends and family and that someone special to you. It will be something wrong with me if I am watching a sunrise or sunset and feels on joy.

Thus every time when I saw the great creations of God, the beautiful landscape, the snowcapped mountains, lush green grasslands, crystal clear lakes that allows you to see through like a panel of glass, clear blue skies with cottons of clouds, I will always be reminded of people whom I loved back home. How I wish I can share all these with them. And I always have this tinge of guilt that I am enjoying such beauty of God's creations by myself. I had thoughts that blamed me for being selfish. And so, I love photography, because that is the only medium for me to share the beauty to my eyes with those who have no chance to witness it. I took a lot of pictures because I know I am doing it for people whom I love and I want to share.

I think I know God has blessed me with this gift of sharing. I like to share ideas, thoughts, feelings, or light with people. I enjoy sparring of ideas and listening to other people expressing their point of views.

Well, my resolutions: maybe I should go into a job that provides me with ample opportunity to share myself with others.

I don’t want to be the case that when I meet my Creator, He questioned me, “Why didn’t you use the gifts that I have blessed you with while you are still on Earth?”


This is Monoglia!

I love Mongolia. this country just draw my heart and my breath away. i love this land and their people. i enjoy the every second when i was trekking along the crystal clear lake. will talk more about my mongolia experiences next time.

Meanwhile, here are some pcitures of mongolia. I think this time round, pictures really speak a thousand words. No need me to elaborate more. Just enjoy the pictures....


and you will know what I meant by breath-taking...

Just a few sentences to share and open up your mind

A quote from Dr Tan Lai Yong, a medical doctor who gave up his highly paid job, went over to Kunming in Yunnan and stayed there for more than 10 years, serving the Chinese and serving God.

“A lot of times, things are not so black and white. Maybe honesty is the ultimate victim, and I have learnt that muddy matters have no neat answers. Ethics are just simple matters of right and wrong, it’s the practice of ethics that are difficult".

Makes me really reflect on his words and really sets me into thinking.

solitude and lonliness

I told a lot of my friends that I really enjoyed my time here in China alone. Everyone couldn’t believe me at all, especially those who have known me for years. I am a person who loves to talk and always talked non stop…loudly. That’s me. So, when I am alone, a lot of my close friends will think that I cannot survive, or that it will take me a lot to overcome the loneliness.

In fact, I really enjoyed my time to myself. Its a kind of freedom that I think one should experience spending time to yourself. I see more of myself, I talk to myself. There was a while that I was in silence for so long, that I had almost forgotten what my own voice sounded like. But, that was also the time that I hear more and noticed more around me.

Solitude is something that I yearned for. I finally realized that, and every one of us will need that time to ourselves. Imagine you woke up to the day knowing that you had it to yourself, and not sharing with anyone else. You can do whatever you like, not having the notion of pleasing people. When you walked on the street, you no need to care about anything or anybody because everyone is just a stranger to you. I appreciate that kind of freedom. I felt like I have disappeared from the surface of the Earth.

I came to know that inside of us, there lives an angel and a devil and that their voices are very alike. Solitude and loneliness can get me confused sometimes.

However, I know the balance between solitude and dependence. Sometimes, I really craved to have someone by my side for me to lean on, but that cannot be a stumbling block for me. Neither will I act tough to be that independent. Thus, no complains from me, for being alone because, I know that while I am enjoying the freedom, I always have someone watching over my back from above.

It is always good to learn to make use of solitude and not used by it.

I am slowly becoming the person I meant to be

I realised that maybe..... God puts me in China for something to great to happen to me.

Well, maybe all my time spent here is just a test. I am tested by major changes, unfulfilled promises, unexpected situations and senseless delays. I guessed all these are just something that when I look back, I will just handle with a smile. I am thankful that I am paying so much to buy all these experiences for myself here in China. It is very difficult for people to imagine that I am spending more than 10K of my downary to buy myself nothing similar to Prada handbags, or the 'chiong' Gucci and LV purses, but experiences like these in this land of the Dragons.

My everyday events in China becomes the story of how I come to be. Each day here makes me get closer to who I am going to be. Every second here is a growth opportunity to deepen my character. Every moment is a chance for me to demonstrate my love, or for me to learn to depend on God and to love Him even more.

God never fails. Sadly, I only came to realise this when I am here, facing the battle alone. I regretted not serving Him earlier when I started my walk with Him. Its only when you are in such a desperate situation, you will then begin to find something to cling on, and then, only then you will realise how REAL God's promises were. Nothing to lose, but plenty to gain.

Its only when you see China in the eyes of His unconditional love, then you will be able to love and understand the people here, for who they are and what they did.

The Qinghai and Tibetan plateau

The second time I ever cried during my entire trip here, was nothing similar to the previous case. There are many reasons why a person will cry, either its about sadness, or its about joy. In fact, my tear-drops was not tears of sadness or disappointment, but rather, the peace and hope I felt when I looked out of the window.....

The scenery along the Qinghai and Tibetan plateau.


I was on route, returning from Lama’s house to Xining in Qinghai province. The scenery along the entire side of the road is so breath-taking, instead the busy and jammed-packed streets of Orchard Road.

Along the way, I see nothing that resembled humans. Only four legged animals, grazing so freely on the endless supplies of grass. in fact, I think that I think their stomach will bulge and exploded if they keep their heads down for another few more hours. I managed to see the sun set ( I need to travel for about 16 hours in the bus, and I will reach Xining around 5 am the next day morning!)

Picture this: rays of the sun splashes the green mountains with orange and yellow, lush green fields dotted with black and white yaks.

I felt I was so small, so insignificant, just like a speck of dust when I am faced with the wonder of nature. Upon that I could feel my eyes swelled with tears. Have you ever been in a situation that you are so touched by scenery that you can cry? and so as i was sitting on the bus, alone, looking out the clear window panel, and just see all these colours filling up my eyes, I remembered a quote from my idol- Helen Keller.

She said:" Isn't it sad to know that people who are blessed with the gift of sight are using them more for convenience than using them to add fullness to life?"

When you really see the wonderful creation of God- the great nature and you see it with your heart, it is so touching. I may be emotional.....


It was quite amazing that my emotions were well challenged and fully utilized. Once in while, we have to just let out our emotions, to double check that it is still there with us. What separate us from animals is that we are blessed with emotions.

its the train again!

In Xinjiang

well, its the train ride again. after experiencing plenty of train rides in China, i thought i could handle all kinds of unexpected situations happened on board. this time, the train ride caught me again.

i managed to buy a ticket from Kuqa to Kashgar in Xinjiang province, only then to realise that they only have "free standing" tickets, which means literally: you can stand freely where you want, but have to FIGHT HARD FOR SEATS! this also means that i have to be the first few (out of a few hundreds) go up to the train to look for the available 10 over seats.

the train starts from Urumuqi and its a passing train, which only stops at Kuqa for a few minutes before heading off to its destination - kashgar.

well, the train was scheduled to arrive at 2am in Kuqa and i was there waiting for the train at 12am. i decided not to check into a hotel in fear that i may forget to wake up for the train, moreover, the nearest hotel was like quite far away from the train station and i definitely didn't feel comfortable travelling to the train station alone in the middle of the night. so, i stayed over in the train station, trying to sleep on top of my bagpack in the sitting position.

announcement was made, that the train will be late and will only arrive at 3am. well well, nothing new as i was already half expecting that to happen, although i really really hoped that it will not happen. and so, i continued clinging onto all my bags and sleeping on them while waiting for the train to arrive. however, everyone else were already queueing to go in in front of the gate. (yes, they were queueing, but not for long...)

another announcement were made, the time has come...it was time to go in. within that few seconds while i was picking up my bag, people were already stamping onto each other and crashing through the gate, running over the poor and sleepy train conductor.

although i have been in China for quite some time, i refused to conform to become one of them. i was one of the last few to go in, although i understand that i have quite a costly price to pay: by being the last few to go in, i have to risk standing in the train for the next 8 hours before i reached Kashgar the next day. but i was really too tired and worn out to do anything physical, and also, i dunno whether is it because i want to uphold my interity or i want to uphold my image, i cannot stand the sight of myself pushing around like a crazy woman and steping on top of the old and weak. its pushing my limits....

nevertheless, i managed to get onto the train and without much surprise, all the seats were filled. many seats were actually occupied by people sleeping across the entire bench. i was quite pissed to see that, because this means that they had occupied 3 seats each and many available seats in total.

i tried to wake the person up but was being ignored. i tried to wake up another person and he pretend that he is soundly asleep. Bad acting. seeing them so comfortably covered under blankets and snoring, i really felt so sorry for myself. i think i went into this mode of self-pitiness and i dunno why but i teared. guessed its just all the accumulations of frustrations and tiredness.
i was sad, that how people can remain so indifferent to other people's sufferings and turn their backs away. i have this immediate feeling of rejection, and to consider the fact that i came all the way here to china to serve them and help the poor. i am actually not asking anything back at all, yet, they themselves are doing these deeds to their own country-mates. totally oblivious to other people's sufferings. (btw,there are a lot of others standing together with me as well)

well well.....and yes, i stood all the way till i reach my destination, standing for my grounds and standing to fend for my moral values.

difficult, but i choose to be here.

there are many ways to see a problem

i thought i have abundance of time with me. everyday just past and somehow, i have lost the ability to count time. while on this journey, there were times when i felt that my time ticked very slowly and i wish it could move a bit faster. and there were times when time flew past so fast just like a thief who creep past me every night without me realising. and when i come to my senses, i realised that i have been away from home for 6 months!

it is so amazing how time expand and contract while i am still unconscious. i realised that its about time i have to fulfill my promise to my parents, that is, to return home by august.

during my stay in beijing, i was indeed quite restless. i was actually planning to go over to mongolia and hope my trip would be confirmed at least by end of this week. however, things do not work out the way i wanted it to be. it has been 2 weeks since i last wanted to move on to other places. and i am still at the same place. now i have a problem...where shall i go on next? with my limited time on my hands, i have to chase for time now!

and as i stay around in beijing and waiting for my trip, so as time slowly ticked past, the thoughts of "wasting time" kept appearing in my head. therefore, i was so caught up with planning and calling up the contact person, that i began to fail myself terribly. i ended up getting more flustered and agitated.

i kept wanting to visit more places and i have not been to those places i set off to visit. well, "it would be a waste" i kept rattering that sentence in my head.

suddenly, on fine day, my friend xiuxiang told me, "Dun you think you are too greedy?" i was struck by her words. and so , i decided to take a long walk in the streets of beijing from her house to Tian'an square. its about 3 hours walk. and as i walked i saw so many things happening on the streets, people rushing on and off from work, hawkers and vendors selling BBQ mutton sticks.

then it dawned on me that no time is wasted indeed. i was so blinded with my own needs, my personal fustrations and the issues of time, that i fail to see the joy of just doing nothing in her house, watching DVDs and reading and her companionship. i am actually happy that i am spending time with her, listening to her complains at work and watching japanese animation with her till 5 am in the morning. and now when i looked back, i can feel the joy of her company, when we go and buy potted plants together, shopping for groceries and eating late night suppers at those weird hours of 2am in the mornings. and so, how i can say that my time is wasted? how stupid am i to be blinded from the joy resting and just doing nothing.

i only came to that realisation after i settled down in a nice cafe in the city area in Beijing. as i sat down to rest my weary legs with a hot latte and hot walnut scones. it is so therapeutic just to walk and walk through the streets of beijing.

and so, the following day i took the walk again, this time, using a totally different route, but getting to the exact same place. then i see the point of getting to one place using different routes.well, there are actually many different combinations of routes just to get to that point. you could walk straight and turn off at the next junction, or turn at the first junction, then walked straight etc...just like statistics, there are many many computations.

by using differnt routes, i saw different things and experienced different feelings. its always so refreshing. and i realised that only that i just have to settle within myself to see what i want to see and tune in to the correct beat, then i would be able to see what i want to see and experience it with my heart.

God has taught me an important lesson in this episode of 'waiting game'. that, there are many ways to get to a destination, just like, so many ways to settle a problem. its important not to be blinded by what is so-called the 'one and only'. and i thank God for opening my eyes and my heart to witness the essence of time instead of the physical value.

and so, even if i did not get to where i want eventually, the journey of getting there is such a joy. with this, i really thank you my friend, for adopting me during my stay in beijing. that really save a lot of cost in terms of finding a lodging. and i really really enjoy my this 3 weeks of stay with you and your friendship. and i have learned something from you too! thank you xiuxiang!

ps: i was in Hard Rock cafe yesterday night, listening to their live band while sipping beers and eating peanuts. such a joy!

Splashed the money on the tables, would you?

i am very very amazed at how the chinese spent their money in building relationships. it is not surprising at all to see how the chinese officials can spend a bomb in displaying the table with flashy food, food that i never thought i am going to have for my trip here.

i was in Dali with some Singaporean friends who came by to establish contacts with the chinese officials here. they were here for YEP projects - to improve the school's teaching standard and syllubus, which ultimately, to improve the lives of the kids in the school. i was honored to meet up with them and we traveled up to meet the education department officials together. din expect my choice to be such a 'fulfiling' one and indeed, it fufills the needs of my stomach.

every day, every meal, we just sat around the tables with at least 10 dishes spread in front of my eyes. food ranged from vegetarian dishes to donkey's meat....

and after every meal, there will sure be food left over, which is the least surprising....

well, heard from them that when they host guests, there must be leftover food, so as to show signs of prosperity and abundance and most importantly, to let the guests feel that they have more to give. but deep inside my heart, i ask myself, more to give to who? to us? who already had so much in life, or to those who need more?

so as i watch the waitress clearing up the food, i think of the ironic scenes of these education officials savouring pieces of donkey's meat, whereas the children from the schools are still chewing on the grasses.

and the reason we are all working towards: "to improve the life of the students".

somehow, it very difficult for me to picture the above words in my mind upon seeing all these. i wonder if i am being too cynical?

heaven and hell

oh, back to my typical singaporean lifestyle in China!

i must really really thank my 2 friends who allowed this to happen, nana and xiuxiang. really thank them for being there with me in this beijing trip. a short break from the toughness of travel and enjoy this place like a typical tourist.

its about shopping and eating everyday! during my past 2 weeks of stay in beijing, i have experienced "heaven". the heaven of big and classy shopping malls, clean and fragrant toilets with lockable doors. ok, beside the doors, they have TVs inside the toilets! the shopping malls served 'bread talk' bread, Din Tai Feng, haagen daz ice cream and many many other luxurious food. i was so excited to see all these placing in front of me after been in other more remote parts of china. however, i was also quite shocked with my reactions. afterall, i came from a place where such things are part of my life. what have i become? why do i have such great reactions?

well, i wonder how many percent of the chinese population will get to see and experience such luxurious city life?well, as i was happily indulging myself in my shopping frenzy, i was reminded of the villagers and the country people i came across throughout my travel here. i wonder if they know there is such a "heavenly" place in their country? or i should i say, the place they belongs to is already a heaven to them. maybe for them , such a city place could be hell instead? well, although their living conditions are much poorer than beijingers' lifestyles, and they cannot enjoy what is so called "comfort", i still think that their "comfort" items might come in different forms? the blue skies above their heads and the fresh air they breath in everyday?

i thought it make a difference to person born in China or singapore or africa, because, it will make a difference to that person's life. however, now i also see the great difference being born in beijing or in other parts of the china, or even in the remote village in guizhou. it will make a difference in their lifestyle, their education and what they see as important in their lives.

for example, the value of 1 RMB n beijing and in a village could be different. 1 RMB spent in beijing could the sum of money a farmer can get while selling his tomatoes. i have spent over hundreds of RMB shopping for bags and clothes and this sum of money could be the farmer's monthly salary, provided that can sell off their entire plot of vegetables. that is how great the difference in money in china itself.

i couldn't have possibly think of all these when i am back in singapore, spending my money in buying clothes, or even just to buy bread or indulge in NYDC. however, i dunno why, but after my stay in this country long enough, i will think the other side. but then again, this is life. whatever is it, life still goes on and all i have to do is to appreciate what i am having with me.

what seems precious to a person can be a piece of trash in another persons's eyes.